I wanna be Kit Cloudkicker!

So if you grew up (or just watched cartoons) during the 90's there was a show called, "Tailspin" by Disney. It was a retelling of Jungle Book into a 1920's flying adventure, with one of the characters a kid called Kit. One of the things he would do was jump out the back of the airplane and with a wing on his feet, would "waterski" behind the plane doing loops and whatnot. I always thought that would be so fun!

As I grew older and got into airships, I again thought of Kit. With the slow speed of a zepellin you could design a small wing and cloud surf behind it with some sort of control. Yes, this is probably wrong but it still seemed fun. And now I found a pic of someone literally water skiing behind an airship. Ah the early days of flight!

http://blog.modernmechanix.com/blimp-tows-aquaplane-to-give-latest-aquatic-thrill/#more

oops

So I had forgotten about this blog. It's too weird to one day decide to start a blog and then realize that you had already written one only a couple of years ago. A good friend had proposed that I write one and I had always dismissed the idea, but apparently for a couple of months in 2012 I had tried it out.

Then promptly forgot about it.

So now I will start again, for the first time. Perhaps some other lost works will come to mind. Maybe I'm a secret millionaire?  Should I try and open a Swiss Bank Account, perhaps they will then tell me that I already have one?

I think I'll start with a where am I now.

Still in St. Pete, Florida. I'm now (mostly) stabilized on meds (quetiapine and lamotrigine) though of course the doses go up in regular intervals. But I've been making great strides in therapy using the ACT Method and my great therapist. Thank you Veterans Administration Hospitals! I wouldn't be here without you. That and my friends/family that have helped me along the way, thank you.

College never worked out, panic attack while trying to turn in the application caused me to never return. The plan is still there but the follow-through is unlikely for now.

Mostly I now read (e-ink is awesome) and wander the internet for ideas. I'm constantly trying to build a houseboat in my head. Perhaps create a plan for a trip. I was hoping for a "day sail around the Baltic" while my nephew was in Finland, but then my years old IRS bill took the money from my account. So no joy there. Perhaps something new will appear.

And that is why I'm still alive. The void of death is always available. I just have to open the door and step through if things get too bad, but for now I am an optimist. Mentally deranged but still thinking that things will get better. Not that they should, but it's just that there is a solid chance.

A chance.

A reason for living

I am suicidal.  I dream of killing myself.  I long for it.  In fact, I have wanted to die for about 20 years.  Almost every morning waking up, every evening drifting off.  My own death.  I don't know why.  I've tortured myself, I've tortured girlfriends with my ramblings. It is weird.

I have tried once. When I was 25, it was a bad year- death, unemployment, destruction of dreams, loneliness. Only I didn't die. Most disappointing.

I have had many near death experiences, but never died.  Never even used my "will to live" as they say in the movies.  I just lived. A bit of a bruise here, a scrape there.

So now is different.  I have actual medical professionals helping me. My own psychiatrist, psychologist, pharmacist, medical doctors, all working for me.   And it still doesn't go away.  Sitting in my room now for days on end.  My writing style has grown dull from the lithium.  My passions have died from the mixture of gabapentin and they have taken away my soothing drink with naltrexone.

So what do I have.

I have facebook.

Well more precisely, I have a friend on facebook who irritates the fuck out of me.

He is attempting to become a politico in his middle ages.  Not very bright during our school days that we spent together, he hasn't gotten any better.  But he apparently has decided to become a right wing conservative. Which is amusing to me, considering that he made it through private religious school on other people's money, joined the army and barely made it through, then he was a druggie (but didn't get busted), and his first daughter was born in a hospital paid for by medicaid.

So this is the ideal for self sufficiency?


Well he now has decided to throw links up on facebook.  I respond.  I respond with gusto. with flair.  sometimes with vitriol.  The anger makes me feel alive.  I am a defender of the weak.  Sometimes, I'm an asshole.

But not always!

And that is keeping me alive.

Too old to change

I took my college placement test today.  I qualified for the honors  (?) classes in english/humanities but missed college algebra by 2 points.  So maybe I'll retest on monday.  I went over to fill out some forms, and just couldn't sit in the crowd of people. screw it I missed some other deadlines and can't get my high school transcripts. fuck it I'm drinking. i bought some cheap wine and then I'm heading out.  maybe i'll get hit by a train.  never been hit by one of them before.


The idea of honors classes for college is weird.  It just looks like regular classes, maybe they are taught differently?

A car?

I do not have a car.  Sometimes I miss driving.  Then I saw this design and wonder just how I might drive something that has such elegance.  Such comfort.

http://www.yankodesign.com/2012/07/23/mobile-pavilion-car/

I can only doubt the engineering wonderment that it would take to make this a reality.  Plus the Florida heat might destroy whomever dallies too long.  Unless the seats were cooled. Hmmm.

Human sushi

So I'm recovering from getting chopped up and having bits of me removed.  Lypomas.  No one knows what causes them. No one knows what makes them increase.  I first developed them in my 20's and had the military take a couple large ones out.  Since then they have multiplied until I now have hundreds spread around my body.

Well now I have a few less.

The docs snuck the knockout shot into an IV without telling me and the next thing I know is that I'm waking up in absolute terror and being held together with glue and tape.  Welcome to the world of Tomorrow!

I now have 5 slices and 10 days to do nothing.  No exercise, no sweating, no heavy lifting.  I wonder what exercises I can do that won't allow me to lose what I've gained?  Hopefully I can stay on course to make this Tough Mudder race in December.

Am I out of my league?  Probably.  Is this new for me? Nope.

Worker's Rights

So today I wanted to learn more about my congressman.  I'm in a new district and getting registered to vote, so who do I have?  I can't tell.  Ha!  Gerrymandering is crazy down here!  But we do have crazy, check out Congressman Bill Young, Republican.  

Apparently he did not graduate high school, was an insurance salesman, and wrote an official document on the evils of homosexuality.  Wonderful.  And now today, this little video interaction pops up on google.


http://oldnortheast.patch.com/articles/rep-bill-young-on-minimum-wage-hike-get-a-job-e8c2749e#youtube_video-10585429

The point is not that congressman Young is a bad person, it is that he is a bad politician who ignored his constituent.  Floridians have horrible working environments with lousy wages; and yet the workers are afraid of those jobs being moved offshore.  I'm sorry but that is the key to a service economy- the jobs can't leave because they are local service jobs.

The workers of Florida need to band together and get some control of the marketplace and become better negotiators for wages and benefits.  I have been across this country and here in Florida the dividing line between the workers and management is so severe that it shocks me; and yet no one is willing to stand up for any sort of change.  


Why?