A reason for living

I am suicidal.  I dream of killing myself.  I long for it.  In fact, I have wanted to die for about 20 years.  Almost every morning waking up, every evening drifting off.  My own death.  I don't know why.  I've tortured myself, I've tortured girlfriends with my ramblings. It is weird.

I have tried once. When I was 25, it was a bad year- death, unemployment, destruction of dreams, loneliness. Only I didn't die. Most disappointing.

I have had many near death experiences, but never died.  Never even used my "will to live" as they say in the movies.  I just lived. A bit of a bruise here, a scrape there.

So now is different.  I have actual medical professionals helping me. My own psychiatrist, psychologist, pharmacist, medical doctors, all working for me.   And it still doesn't go away.  Sitting in my room now for days on end.  My writing style has grown dull from the lithium.  My passions have died from the mixture of gabapentin and they have taken away my soothing drink with naltrexone.

So what do I have.

I have facebook.

Well more precisely, I have a friend on facebook who irritates the fuck out of me.

He is attempting to become a politico in his middle ages.  Not very bright during our school days that we spent together, he hasn't gotten any better.  But he apparently has decided to become a right wing conservative. Which is amusing to me, considering that he made it through private religious school on other people's money, joined the army and barely made it through, then he was a druggie (but didn't get busted), and his first daughter was born in a hospital paid for by medicaid.

So this is the ideal for self sufficiency?


Well he now has decided to throw links up on facebook.  I respond.  I respond with gusto. with flair.  sometimes with vitriol.  The anger makes me feel alive.  I am a defender of the weak.  Sometimes, I'm an asshole.

But not always!

And that is keeping me alive.

Too old to change

I took my college placement test today.  I qualified for the honors  (?) classes in english/humanities but missed college algebra by 2 points.  So maybe I'll retest on monday.  I went over to fill out some forms, and just couldn't sit in the crowd of people. screw it I missed some other deadlines and can't get my high school transcripts. fuck it I'm drinking. i bought some cheap wine and then I'm heading out.  maybe i'll get hit by a train.  never been hit by one of them before.


The idea of honors classes for college is weird.  It just looks like regular classes, maybe they are taught differently?

A car?

I do not have a car.  Sometimes I miss driving.  Then I saw this design and wonder just how I might drive something that has such elegance.  Such comfort.

http://www.yankodesign.com/2012/07/23/mobile-pavilion-car/

I can only doubt the engineering wonderment that it would take to make this a reality.  Plus the Florida heat might destroy whomever dallies too long.  Unless the seats were cooled. Hmmm.

Human sushi

So I'm recovering from getting chopped up and having bits of me removed.  Lypomas.  No one knows what causes them. No one knows what makes them increase.  I first developed them in my 20's and had the military take a couple large ones out.  Since then they have multiplied until I now have hundreds spread around my body.

Well now I have a few less.

The docs snuck the knockout shot into an IV without telling me and the next thing I know is that I'm waking up in absolute terror and being held together with glue and tape.  Welcome to the world of Tomorrow!

I now have 5 slices and 10 days to do nothing.  No exercise, no sweating, no heavy lifting.  I wonder what exercises I can do that won't allow me to lose what I've gained?  Hopefully I can stay on course to make this Tough Mudder race in December.

Am I out of my league?  Probably.  Is this new for me? Nope.

Worker's Rights

So today I wanted to learn more about my congressman.  I'm in a new district and getting registered to vote, so who do I have?  I can't tell.  Ha!  Gerrymandering is crazy down here!  But we do have crazy, check out Congressman Bill Young, Republican.  

Apparently he did not graduate high school, was an insurance salesman, and wrote an official document on the evils of homosexuality.  Wonderful.  And now today, this little video interaction pops up on google.


http://oldnortheast.patch.com/articles/rep-bill-young-on-minimum-wage-hike-get-a-job-e8c2749e#youtube_video-10585429

The point is not that congressman Young is a bad person, it is that he is a bad politician who ignored his constituent.  Floridians have horrible working environments with lousy wages; and yet the workers are afraid of those jobs being moved offshore.  I'm sorry but that is the key to a service economy- the jobs can't leave because they are local service jobs.

The workers of Florida need to band together and get some control of the marketplace and become better negotiators for wages and benefits.  I have been across this country and here in Florida the dividing line between the workers and management is so severe that it shocks me; and yet no one is willing to stand up for any sort of change.  


Why?  

Somedays

Somedays, I wake up after having a dream of of pathetic I am.  My god, I am a loser.  All night it was just one situation after another of me acting like me, and realizing that people don't really like me and that I am a loser.  Sometimes when the first thought that enters your waking mind is what do i have to kill myself with; is the day going to get much better?

Pathetic

I stayed up late last night watching a tv show.  I prepped my pills but then forgot them before sleeping.  I've on edge for the past few days.  I can tell I'm coming down and I am getting very angry today. Very angry. dammit.  Why can't I take my pills?  So i took one just now.  I woke up too early because my alarm went off and now i can't sleep.  Been too anxious at night for sleeping, mostly just tossing and turning until it gets light and then i start to sleep.  Could be the noise of the A/C.  poorly built room with little ventilation, so window ac keeps kicking on all night.  I like it warm but don't want everything covered in sweat.  I can't handle the constant noise. Always something hissing or cranking. whistle of fans and capacitors.